A Different Type of Home Improvement: Turning Point Camp

I haven’t had the opportunity to get many projects completed lately. We have been working on a different type of home improvement. As most of you know, the entire Demolition Crew is adopted. Mr. Skeptic and I were foster parents for six years, and in that time, we were blessed with four amazing children. But I don’t call them the Demolition Crew without cause.

 From the outside, our family looks perfect. Four little smiling faces all in a row, beautiful charming children that don’t know a stranger. But as Ash Beckham says, everyone has a closet. Coming out of the closet is having the hard conversation that nobody wants to have. As an ACoA, I have lived in closets all my life, lurking in the shadows of what my reality has been. But I have learned that secrets are toxic to the body, mind and spirit. Today, I am stepping out of my closet with the hope that it will encourage others to do the same. Let’s face it, we all struggle at some point in our lives. Why is there shame in the struggle? I write these words to create awareness, not pity.

Our oldest daughter was 17 months when she came home. She was moved around at least six times before she came to live with us. We had a rough start, and spent about three years on and off in therapy learning how to help her with her “attachment issues”. I think I cried every night for the first six months we had her, wondering if we made the right decision for our family. By the time she was four, things were seemingly getting better. Then she started Kindergarten and settled into a routine. But at the same time, she questioned everything and talked incessantly. She was in a constant battle for control. Then there was that incident with our new little dog. I was at work when Mr. Skeptic texted me a picture of my oldest with a huge gash in her face. Eighteen external and four internal stitches later, she continued to antagonize the dog. He went to live with my sister-in-law.

My other kiddos had some quirky behaviors that I wasn’t too concerned about through the years. I would sometimes find items from around the house hidden in the back of our pantry or food wrappers stuffed under a bed. My son seemed to have impulse control issues and was very forgetful when it was convenient. Things in our house just seemed to get destroyed, whether it was toys, furniture, clothes, you name it. About a year ago, I found some serious carvings in the top of my nice dining room table. Someone was deliberately trying to get my attention. After three days of lying about it, my second oldest admitted to the deed.

All of the children were becoming increasingly disrespectful to me and aggressive toward each other. I found myself becoming angry and yelling way too often. I was exhausted from the moment I woke up. My stress level was over the top, but I was still in denial.  Then we moved.

Our move was for all the right reasons. I wanted to be closer to my sister and her family, and Mr. Skeptic could easily transfer. I truly felt like God was placing this desire in my heart. We would soon find out why. My oldest hadn’t moved since the day she came home. Now we were doing the unthinkable in her mind. She started becoming defiant and oppositional over seemingly miniscule things like where she had to sit in the car or what pajamas she was wearing. EVERYTHING became a battle. Then the rages came with a vengeance. She was screaming, hitting, kicking, spitting, scratching, breaking, and for hours at a time. Our house was in complete chaos and I didn’t know how to fix it.

As I sat at our kitchen table trying to drink my coffee on a warm August morning, I finally said it. I looked at Mr. Skeptic with tears streaming down my face and said, “Our family isn’t normal.” He looked at me and nodded his head, “I know, but God gave us these kids for a reason.” Yes, He did.

Soon after, a friend told me about a website, attachment.org. It listed symptoms for Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) and my world fell apart. I sat reading with my mouth wide open, eyes glued to the screen. Not only did my oldest have almost every symptom, my other children all had about half of the symptoms:

• Superficially engaging & charming
• Lack of eye contact on parents’ terms
• Indiscriminately affectionate with strangers
• Not affectionate on parents’ terms (not ‘cuddly’)
• Destructive to self, others and material things (‘accident prone’)
• Cruelty to animals
• Lying about the obvious (‘crazy’ lying)
• Stealing
• No impulse controls (frequently acts hyperactive)
• Learning Lags
• Lack of cause-and-effect thinking
• Lack of conscience
• Abnormal eating patterns
• Poor peer relationships
• Preoccupation with fire
• Preoccupation with blood & gore
• Persistent nonsense questions & chatter
• Inappropriately demanding & clingy
• Abnormal speech patterns
• Triangulation of adults
• False allegations of abuse
• Presumptive entitlement issues
• Parents appear hostile and angry

Any of the following conditions occurring to a child during the first 36 months of life puts them at risk:

• Unwanted pregnancy
• Pre-birth exposure to trauma, drugs or alcohol
• Abuse (physical, emotional, sexual)
• Neglect (not answering the baby’s cries for help)
• Separation from primary caregiver (i.e. illness or death of mother, or severe illness or hospitalization of the baby, or adoption)
• On-going pain such as colic, hernia or many ear infections
• Changing day cares or using providers who don’t do bonding
• Moms with chronic depression
• Several moves or placements (foster care, failed adoptions)
• Caring for baby on a timed schedule or other self-centered parenting

So, what now? My head was spinning. I kept searching the website for answers. I found a conference in October only 15 minutes from our house. I had to learn more. I sat in the front row, eyes red from crying. Everything Nancy Thomas said that day was my reality, and the room was full of parents just like me. That day in October I found a family, a support system, people who could help us on this journey we were about to begin.

A month later, after attending our first parent support group, we signed up for camp, Turning Point Camp, right here in Tennessee. Thank you God! Jennie Landreth, an amazing mom who had found healing for her daughter through camp, saw a need for a camp in Tennessee. The camp we attended in March is only the second one at this location.

The four months that followed are now a blur of power struggles, rages, lies, chaos, and tears. When we arrived at camp, we were all a complete mess. This picture says it all. I was laughing to keep from crying.

 

 

There were twenty-two families at camp, adopted internationally and domestically, some with children adopted at birth, even a few with biological kids that spent time in the NICU. We were from all over the country with one goal. We all love our kids and want them to heal. Many of the volunteers were parents who had been to a previous camp and wanted to give back to help more families heal. The week we spent together made us lifelong friends.

 

Our Christmas card in 2012 shared this verse, "...in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. -Romans 8:37-39"

At the time, we were unaware of the battle ahead of us. Camp changed our lives. We came home with amazing support and the tools to use for our kids. The rages have become rare, one or two a month compared to one or two a day. We are gaining control and respect in our household again. Indeed, we are more than conquerors, and although we may have a few more battles, we have come so far! Recently, our oldest was officially diagnosed with RAD. Of course, we already knew this but we needed documentation to be able to get her some of the help she needs. As our household heals, the smiles are returning, and the clouds are parting.

 

 

My projects will still be there whenever I am able to pick them up again. In the meantime, I have a much more important goal, and thanks to Turning Point Camp, I know that it is attainable!

 

Please share this post with anyone you know that may be struggling with RAD or attachment issues, and with families you know that have recently adopted.  Awareness is the key. Thank you for reading and spreading the word to help heal families.

 

Nicole